Gladness after Sadness

I've been upset, like all humans. Each time I feel sad or upset, I always handle them better than before. I've faced sadness previously, and the lessons can help understand my situation better. The problem is that every time I feel sad it's usually due to a new and unfamiliar circumstance. Circumstances can be similar, but there is always something specific about it. Yes, I've had rejections before, but each rejection has different contexts. I have learned from my experiences, but new sadnesses often arise from different reasons.

So much for maturity! No matter how much you can endure, you will always feel them. Getting rejected doesn't feel nice; you grow to handle it much better as you get more and more of it, but rejection will forever feel bad. You grow accustomed to disappointment, but that doesn't mean you will stop feeling disappointed.

But pain is growing. Just like how you're not learning anything if you don't feel stupid, you don't grow if you don't feel pain. How have I grown, recently?

Recently I've observed that whenever I feel upset in some form, good things felt much better. Great books feel more humane; beautiful stories feel more lovely. And perhaps all the disappointment and sadness one faces happen so one can be more sensitive to the wonderful things around them. I have found this realization primarily as I am rereading Oblomov. I had enjoyed it as a tale of a an honest man who found redemption and failed; but reading it again it appears to me as a story of longing. Oblomov symbolizes the impossibility of a blissful tranquility. Indeed, the comedic and outlandish nature of the tale proves this point; such a conception of life is something only fools can dream—no matter how beautiful and happy one can be in such a life. And why is dreaming of happiness such a bad thing?

I cannot express how much I love this book, though I am currently not finished rereading it. And indeed there were many books I have read, and many movies, and as I revisit them I will certainly feel them to be much more vivid and touching than I have ever experienced. I meant to view Andrei Rublev again after so many years, and while I haven't had the time to, simply looking at several seconds of cinematography was enough to spark my excitement. Alas! Life can be busy, or perhaps it is less that I am busy, but more that I attend to my busyness too much.

It is simple to say that failure, loss, and disappointment happen so that you can be more grateful in what you have. I have found this to be true, reflecting on my many predicaments as the years go by. And some losses are more painful than others. Some are annoying for but a minute, while some goes on for weeks, or years. In writing this out, does this mean that I have found peace? That I am able to be perfectly grateful for life, without backsliding or forgetting one bit?

It is simple to say, right? Perhaps writing this is proof of my arrogance. Arrogance to consider myself happy; arrogance to consider myself grateful; arrogance to claim that I can find gladness after failure.

Well... disappointments will always be disappointing. That is all.

First upload: 13 November 2024